Frus·tra·tion: A deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs.

I am frustrated. My current state of mind is completely and accurately defined by the definition of that word. Frustration. The source isn’t my knee. I mean, technically the knee is the source, but the frustration actually stems from the inconsistent results in my plans to avoid knee surgery.

After what appeared to be significant gains, the pains are coming back. I’ve followed my rehab plan (even extended it from 2 to 3 months), I haven’t been too aggressive when working out and some days my knee feels brand knew and other days it feels like I’ll never run or bike again. I’ve been here before too. Many times, in fact, all the way back since I was running in high school. That is frustrating.

Today I called in and pushed up my doctor’s appointment to talk about how the plan went, what has or hasn’t changed and what the recovery process from surgery looks like (if it’s decided that I need it). Last time we met he told me to prove to him that I needed surgery. “Follow the plan and if you can’t get back to the pain free point you want to be at, we’ll know.” I never wanted surgery in the first place so I’ve followed the plan and put in the work and here we are. That is frustrating.

After 3+ months of rehab it’s time to make a decision. Choosing surgery means I’ll be able to compete again the way I want to at the expense of possibly getting arthritis when I’m much older. Is that risk really worth my desire (sometimes it feels like a need) to push myself and compete? -But not just to compete, to continue doing something that I really enjoy? Choosing not to have surgery, being realistic, means I will never be able to compete at the level I know I can with a healthy knee. It would mean no more Ironman distance events for sure, but would also mean an end to true competing at any distance and not even being able to just minimally participate in long distances. Having to make a decision that will lead to either outcome is frustrating.

Being able to take advantage of an opportunity at the time it presents itself has always defined me. The opportunity that is staring me in the face right now is the potential of success in triathlon and the ability to continue to participate in something that makes me happy, but ultimately leads to the possibility of arthritis at an older age. The fact that I had to add a ‘but’ at the end of the last sentence is beyond frustrating.